Fake Onion Headlines

1) Arcade Fire Just Played a Secret Show at Your House

Sources close to Montreal indie rockers Arcade Fire confirmed that the band has just finished playing a secret 50 minute set at your house as part of a stealth promotional tour for their upcoming third album, The Suburbs (scheduled for release on August 10th). The show at your house is the most recent of a string of impromptu small-scale performances by the band in cities across the world, and was not publicized in advance on their website or on MySpace. The attendants included 5 neighbours who were passing by and became concerned about the noise, 10 music bloggers including a videographer for the influential music website Pitchfork.com, and your cat. Audience reactions ranged from rapturous awe to mild confusion. Despite their frequently volatile live performances, none of your objects in the living room where the show took place were damaged. "It's great playing in these kinds of spaces," front-man Win Butler said, while glancing at a bass amp stationed on your coffee table; "we could really feel our sonics reflecting off [your] stuff." Richard Reed Perry, Arcade Fire's multi-instrumentalist, commented favourably on the rider available for the band, mentioning that when you return home later today, you should restock your refrigerator with beer and oranges. As well, you should "buy some more of those vegan cupcakes because they're really awesome," Perry added. Arcade Fire expressed willingness to return to your house for another show, possibly when you're out for groceries tomorrow.

2) Scope of Gulf Oil Spill Almost as Grand and Tragic as HBO's The Wire, Obama States

At a press conference on the south lawn of the White House today, President Barack Obama discussed at length the devastating impact of the BP Mexican Gulf oil spill by comparing it to the critically acclaimed HBO show The Wire. "Just as the people of Baltimore were devastated at all levels of society by bureacracy and indifference, from the police force in season 1, to inner city schools in Season 4, to the blue-collar dockworkers in Season 2, the environment in the gulf area was devastated by the impact of the oil spill." Obama continued, "and yet, we must march on in our pursuit to clean up this unprecedented environmental catastrophe, much like the dogged pursuit with which Jimmy McNulty tried to capture the drug organization of Avon Barksdale and Stringer Bell by tracking their telephone use on the police wire." Not wishing to divulge any spoilers to the intricately plotted show, Obama concluded his address by stating "Where's Wallace, BP? Where's Wallace?" repeatedly. Neither Wire creator David Simon, nor the Mayor of Baltimore could be reached for comments.